Grief is not always what you expect.
There are two great shows on Netflix that I have discovered recently, both of which based around the loss of a loved one. Dead to Me follows Christina Applegate’s character Jen as she navigates life with two children following the unexpected death of her husband in a hit in run car accident. After Life gives us a glimpse into the life of Tony, played by Ricky Gervais, following the death of his wife from breast cancer. They are both dark comedies but very different shows, and I am really pleased to see the subject of life after a loved one’s death being explored with a bit of humour.
They got me thinking about how little we see and hear about grief, and how much it would have helped me when my Mum died if this process had been a bit more normalised. So I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learnt from my grieving process here, in the hope that it helps anyone who is trying to understand if what they are experiencing is normal.
- There is no right way to grieve
Want to sob? Go for it. Feel like you may never shed a tear? That’s fine too. There is no right way to do this. There is nothing wrong with you if you struggle to let your feelings out, or if you can’t hold it all together. You will work through your feelings in your own way, and in your own time. If you feel ok? That’s great. Everybody deals with loss differently.
That being said, if you start to feel uncomfortable with the way you are dealing with your grief, you might need some help. You can approach organisations like Cruse Bereavement Care, or seek counselling where you can safely talk through your experiences. - Sometimes it helps to pretend it never happened.
A few days after mum died, we celebrated my sisters birthday in TGI Fridays. She wore a balloon hat, and the staff sang a weird birthday song at her. We had fun.
I’m not sure how we managed to get a few hours inside the bubble that allowed us to enjoy that meal, however I’m so grateful that we did. We needed that time. The subconscious mind only has two objectives – to protect us, and to give us pleasure. Grief can be all encompassing; however it makes sense to me that our subconscious will try and protect us by giving us moments where we feel completely normal. Thank goodness it does! So if you are lucky enough to have a moment where you feel ok, don’t feel guilty, enjoy it. You’ve got the rest of your life to miss your loved one. - Congratulations, you’re now part of the secret club!
You can’t understand the loss of a loved one until you have experienced it. You can sympathise with people who lose a parent, partner or child, sure – but that is as far as it goes,and that’s okay. Once you are in the club, you find yourself having more and more conversations with people in the same position if you are open to it – a support network that you will value on the darker days. - Carry tissues everywhere
This I can’t emphasis this enough if you wear your heart on your sleeve like I do. Sometimes the grief will hit you completely unexpectedly – a memory might pop into your mind, or something will happen, and your first instinct is to call the one you’ve lost to let them know. In the very early days, I would be going about my day and suddenly remember, and feel the shock again like it had only just happened. That thankfully has lessened with time, however Films and TV that include loss now hit harder than you can imagine – Avengers Endgame had me sobbing within the first half a hour. So yes, carry tissues. - You may become stronger than you thought possible
I can’t think of anything worse than the death of a loved one. Before my Mum passed away, I was scared of pretty much everything. One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed in myself is that this fear has significantly reduced. I know that if I can get through grief, I can get through anything.
This is a great time to look at anything that has been holding you back in life, and finally get those issues resolved. I used hypnotherapy, mindfulness and coaching to do a full review of my life and decide where changes needed to be made. I finally had the strength to make it happen.
So there you go, just a few of the things I’ve learnt so far. I hope sharing this helps you, and if you need any support as you go through this journey, please feel free to reach out.
Love,
Laura
xxx